Manfred's Mustache Mayhem
by lavaducks
Summary: In which Manfred's mustache pisses people off, turns people on, sends people running, is stolen, and more. A crack fic for Prince of Cardboard.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: __I am merely borrowing the Children of the Red King universe from Jenny Nimmo for amusement purposes with the full intention of giving them back afterward. I am in no way making any profit or gain from using them._

_Manfred's Mustache Mayhem is written for and dedicated to my wonderful friend, Prince of Cardboard. Without her, I never would have realized Manfred had a mustache._

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**Manfred's Mustache Mayhem**

**Chapter I**

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Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Do you mind?" growled the pony-tailed boy sitting across from her at the circular table.

She immediately stopped tapping her pen against the table and answered back meekly, "Sorry Manfred."

He stared pointedly at her until Emma focused on her homework again. As soon as he looked away, Emma found her gaze drawn towards the surly older boy. She had never really looked at him before and usually tried to avoid him. Manfred was very intimidating. Even more so to Emma because he was the one that had kept her hypnotized for most of her life.

"Manfred has such wonderful eyes. You can literally get lost in them," she giggled internally. "He does look good with the whole bad boy appearance he has going for him."

Emma found her eyes slipping down to his lips when she was stopped by the wisps of hair on his upper lip.

"He has a mustache!" Emma's heart dropped. "I know some people look good with it, but mustaches are so not for Manfred. He would be absolutely gorgeous without it. The two of us would be the perfect couple…without that mustache, of course."

While Emma was contemplating different strategies to get Manfred to lose his mustache, his head shot up and he said icily, "Why are you staring at me instead of working?"

Emma ignored his hostility and mused out loud, "Have you ever considered shaving your mustache?"

"I-what?" Manfred had not been expecting Emma's answer and was uncharacteristically flustered by her question.

"You'd look so much hotter without it," she said nonchalantly before concentrating on her homework again, ignoring the questioning looks from the others.

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Manfred fingered his mustache thoughtfully. He had never considered shaving it off before. He had always thought it made him look tough and added to his intimidation factor.

"Who does that little chit think she is, telling me to shave it off?" he scowled at his reflection in the mirror. "It was probably some immature little joke. And that pesky Charlie Bone was probably involved in it too, I bet."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a raven sitting outside his window, looking almost mournful. When he whirled around to shoo it away, it was already gone.

The next day in the King's room, Manfred could feel Emma's burning stare on him. He chanced a glance at her, but looked away after seeing the disgusted look on her face. Was she really that annoyed that he hadn't taken her suggestion seriously?

"What does she care anyways? Unless…she likes me but is extremely turned off by my mustache," Manfred snorted at that ludicrous idea.

The clock chimed eight o' clock and he stood up and dismissed the others. Emma had fallen behind the others, but Manfred took no notice of it and headed off to his room. He had nearly made it when he heard a flutter of wings behind him. He turned around and a blur flashed across his face, taking his mustache with it.

"What the…?" he trailed off as the bird that had taken his mustache morphed slowly back into Emma Tolly. "Why did you-?"

His words were cut off when she crushed her lips against his. Manfred was frozen on the spot, shocked by her unexpected action. Emma moved against him feverishly and backed him up against the wall. She deepened the kiss and slipped her tongue inside his unresponsive mouth. The feel of her mouth working against his shell-shocked lips was enough to make Manfred forget she had just sliced his mustache off. The shock that had rendered him immobile lifted slightly when she let go. She traced her finger across his clean upper lip.

"Much better," she smiled perkily before sauntering off, leaving a semi-comatose Manfred behind.

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**The Word of the Awesome: So the edited chapter one is up now. Not much edited in this one; a bit of rearranging more towards the beginning but that's pretty much it for this one. The other chapters will definitely be seeing more changes.**

**Also, I'm starting high school next week so that means my updates will be even slower than normal. And we all know how horrible I am at updating already (Please proceed to move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me xP).**


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing the Children of the Red King universe from Jenny Nimmo for amusement purposes with the full intention of giving them back afterward. I am in no way making any profit or gain from using them._

_Manfred's Mustache Mayhem is written for and dedicated to my wonderful friend, Prince of Cardboard. Without her, I never would have realized Manfred had a mustache.

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**Manfred's Mustache Mayhem**

**Chapter II**

**

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**Billy Raven scurried into the King's Room where all except Manfred and Charlie were present.

"Watch out everyone, Charlie is in one of his moods again," he squeaked before slipping into his seat.

There was a collective groan from around the table. Charlie's moods were well known throughout Bloor's. Charlie wasn't the brightest person and sometimes the classes stressed him out. On these unsurprisingly often occasions, Charlie tended to be oversensitive and prone to massive mood swings.

After Billy's announcement, the door opened and Manfred swooped into his seat.

"Manfred's late," Tancred remarked.

"Wrong Torsson," Manfred barked. "You are all just early. Now I could give you all detention for being in here without supervision, but I have better things to do than watch over you lot on my Saturday. Now where's Bones?"

At that moment, Charlie came hurrying in and sat down.

"Charlie Bone, you're late," Manfred snapped, even though according to his previous statement he was right on time.

Apparently no one informed Manfred of Charlie's current state.

"I am?" Charlie looked around at the empty table. "And you all waited for me before starting, how sweet!"

"Get your books out!" Manfred glared at everyone after he also noticed that no one was working. "As for you Bones, stop the nonsense and get to work."

Charlie threw his arms up in the air and wailed, "You're such a bully! You're so mean to me…what did I ever do to you!?"

He placed his head down on the table and began sobbing.

"Uh…"Manfred was nonplussed.

Charlie's head shot up and glared at him with red, puffy eyes, "And now you don't even answer me. What, am I not good enough for you to give me a reason for your constant hostility towards me?"

Everyone was stunned Charlie knew so many large words.

Manfred, still slow on the uptake, sneered, "Wow, I didn't know you knew half those words."

"Really?" Charlie's features softened and he looked at Manfred with adoration. "I've been working hard to learn new words and I'm so happy that you're impressed by them."

"You mean you actually have been studying to learn new words?"

Charlie took his words in a different way and yelled, "Studying is what people do to learn because not everyone can instantly be a genius like you! Intelligence is wasted on the ignorant!"

"You are one tough nut to crack," Manfred mumbled.

Charlie's voice suddenly turned husky, "So you think I'm tough?"

"No!" Manfred answered quickly.

"So you're saying that I'm a pansy!" tears sprung into Charlie's eyes.

"No!"

Then Manfred realized that he'd inadvertently complimented him and said, "Yes!"

"Why do you keep leading me on with your mixed signals?" Charlie burst passionately. "Can't you just man up and say how you really feel? Can't you just come out and saw you think I'm tough and devilishly handsome?"

"I think no such thing!" Manfred retorted.

"I HATE YOU!" Charlie screamed, his voice reaching decibels not previously known to have existed. "I hate you and that ridiculous mustache you're cultivating on your upper lip even though you look like a freak with it!"

What Charlie did shocked everyone. He grabbed the nearest pointy object—a bent paper clip he spotted on the floor and launched himself at Manfred. He tackled him to the ground and gouged his mustache off.

Before anyone could do anything, Charlie ripped his clothes off and went streaking out the door.

"I'M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE! DOWN WITH BLOOR'S!" Charlie's crazed screams could be heard throughout the castle. "STICK IT TO THE MAN!"

Meanwhile back in the King's Room, Manfred had recovered from the mustache gouging.

"Why didn't anyone stop me and tell me that Charlie was PMSing today?"

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**The Word of the Awesome: So it took me three months to edit this one chapter. And I didn't even change much except that new twist I added to the end. I'm horrible.**

**Well a bit of good news: my muse has finally returned and I've gotten the itch to start writing again. Hopefully the updates start churning out faster.**


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing the Children of the Red King universe from Jenny Nimmo for amusement purposes with the full intention of giving them back afterward. I am in no way making any profit or gain from using them._

_Manfred's Mustache Mayhem is written for and dedicated to my wonderful friend, Prince of Cardboard. Without her, I never would have realized Manfred had a mustache.

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**Manfred's Mustache Mayhem**

**Chapter III

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It was just another day for Manfred: scaring unsuspecting bystanders witless, yelling at whomever he saw fit, and stroking his wispy mustache in a way he thought was menacing. You know, the usual. He was making the most of his free time by lurking in the shadows and freaking out whoever passed by. It was a past time he was introduced to by Asa on a particularly slow day.

Unknown to Manfred, Joshua Tilpin was looking for him on the other side of the school.

"Manfred where are you?" he whined. "I need your help!"

He grew frustrated when no answer met his plea, but then an idea struck him.

"If I can draw objects to me, can I do the same with people?" Joshua wondered aloud.

Joshua scrunched up his face in concentration and to the casual observer, it looked as if he was trying to lay an egg.

At that moment, Manfred felt a sudden force pull him out of his hidey-hole. His sudden appearance caused several people to curse loudly and caused Charlie Bone to let out a high-pitched squeal of fright. Manfred was speeding past everything like a bullet, his body parallel to the ground. Unfortunately for him, Joshua's "magnetic" abilities were pulling Manfred in a straight line towards Joshua. And even more unfortunately for Manfred, Joshua was standing on the other side of Bloor's. And many walls and doors and large objects were between them.

After being slammed into a wall so hard he created a hole in it, Manfred blindly tried to grab at anything to hold onto. He reached out and closed his hands on the first thing they found. Next thing you know, Manfred and Billy Raven were zipping past, the latter screaming like a maniac. Wouldn't you be if one minute you were on the toilet and then you were suddenly grabbed and sent flying through the air?

The unlucky duo ran people over, pulverized many walls and doors, traumatized Ezekiel Bloor, caused many damages, interrupted an art class, got paint everywhere, and generally caused pandemonium.

Once the two finally stopped at their destination, Billy promptly passed out.

"You're here! It worked!" Joshua cheered.

Manfred turned towards him, shaking with fury and pain, "THAT WAS YOU!?"

"Yup!" Joshua beamed, rocking back and forth happily. "I was looking for you because I needed your help but then I couldn't find you so I tried to draw you towards me and it worked!"

"Now what was it you needed me for?" Manfred was barely restraining himself from strangling the boy.

"Well…" Joshua began. "You took so long to get here that I sort of forgot."

"WHAT!?"

Joshua looked up at Manfred's furious face and gasped, "You have a mustache!"

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Manfred said dryly.

"I never noticed it before. You can barely see it," he said, peering critically at his facial hair. "Why don't you just shave it off?"

"Well I—" Manfred began, forgetting his anger.

"I know! Since I dragged you all the way over here, I'll do it for you!" Joshua screwed up his face in concentration.

Suddenly Manfred yelped loudly and his mustache stuck itself lopsidedly to Joshua's forehead.

"You're welcome!" Joshua smiled before skipping off.

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**The Word of the Awesome: Not much was changed in this chapter. Just fixed up a sentence or two here and there to make it sound better.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing the Children of the Red King universe from Jenny Nimmo for amusement purposes with the full intention of giving them back afterward. I am in no way making any profit or gain from using them._

_Manfred's Mustache Mayhem is written for and dedicated to my wonderful friend, Prince of Cardboard. Without her, I never would have realized Manfred had a mustache._

_

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_**Manfred's Mustache Mayhem**

**Chapter IV

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At exactly ten minutes after six, a piercing shriek rang through Bloor's.

At exactly twelve minutes after six, Gabriel Silk was first spotted tearing through the halls.

At exactly seventeen minutes after six, the first hair-theft-and-run took place.

And at exactly thirty-eight minutes after six, Manfred was the victim of yet another hair-theft-an-run.

It all started when Gabriel Silk received a message from his parents.

"Gabriel, Manfred told me to give this to you. He said that it's from your parents," Emma handed him a folded letter.

Gabriel thanked her as she left and read the letter. After reading it, he let out a very high-pitched scream.

_Dear Gabriel,_

_We don't want you to worry, but the gerbils have lost all their fur. A veterinarian came by the other day and said that they have a very serious case of premature balding. We have no idea how this happened, but we're doing our best to keep them warm during the nights._

_Love Mum and Dad (and April and Mai and June)_

"I bet Mai had something do with this. We never get along," Gabriel thought. But then he saw the postscript at the bottom.

_P.S. Mai had nothing to do with it, so don't blame her._

"Well, how it happened isn't that important," Gabriel fretted. "What I need to focus on is how to keep them warm."

He scratched his head and touching his hair gave him a brilliant idea, "That's it! Human hair!"

"But I'll need scissors first. To the Art Room!"

With that, he took off through the hallways. Once he burst into the Art Room and found himself a pair of scissors and a large plastic bag to put the hair in, he sought out to find the first person he could. Luckily for him, Charlie Bone was turning the corner up ahead.

"Charlie is perfect! His hedge of hair will keep my gerbils warm and toasty," he whispered to himself.

"Hey Charlie!" Gabriel called out.

Charlie turned around and hung back to let Gabriel catch up to him.

"What's up?"

But Gabriel didn't answer. Instead, he tackled Charlie to the ground as soon as he got close enough and sheared all his hair off.

"Can't waste any time, I need as much hair as I can get!" Gabriel thought frantically.

He stuffed the hair in the plastic bag and ran off again, leaving a bald and confused Charlie on the floor.

Gabriel managed to take an alarming number of people's hair, but is most notable catch was Manfred Bloor.

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Manfred was busy lurking about and minding everyone's business. He was right in the middle of listening in to a conversation that taught him a lot more than he needed to know about nail polish when Gabriel's earsplitting shriek drowned out the two girls' conversation.

"Well that's just great. Now I missed the name of the best place to go for a French manicure," Manfred huffed as he put away the notebook he had been taking notes in and stomped off in the direction of the scream. "I'm going to go give whoever screamed a piece of my mind."

Twenty-eight minutes later, Manfred saw Gabriel running in the other direction.

"Hey, no running! STOP…IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Manfred sang the last bit but then hastily covered up is bout of oldies song nostalgia. "Err, I mean…JUST STOP RUNNING AND PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT!"

Gabriel skidded to a halt in front of him and slowly turned around.

"Finally, people are starting to respect my authority around here," Manfred mumbled.

The next thing he knew, there was a flash of silver and he was left bald, mustache-less, and confused as Gabriel ran off with his hair.

"You'll thank me later for getting rid of your hideous mustache!" Gabriel's voice carried down the hallway.

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**The Word of the Awesome: So finally, an update. I don't know when the next chapter will come out, since it's a new chapter and not one I just have to edit.**

**I'm not sure how I'm going to do the next chapter, but here's a spoiler of the general idea.**

**Chapter Five**

**In which Asa feels that fake mustaches just won't cut it anymore.**

**Here's hoping I update in a timely manner. But I do suffer from PWB (Perpetual Writer's Block) syndrome, so yeah.**


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